How do you know if you are average or different? Well most likely someone had told you that the particular actions you do fit under the normal or abnormal category. Or perhaps you made a judgment of your own by examining those around you and making your own definition of what is normal and abnormal. I was someone who used the second option. I placed myself and my actions in the normal category and anyone who did things differently was weird and therefore put in the abnormal category. So this was the mindset I had as a kid “I am normal, I’m not weird” and I lived to that saying so much that I unknowingly masked my autism. To the point that no one knew I was autistic for 16 years. I became the undercover autistic girl in school and this is how I survived it. 

Once I was in middle school staying undercover became even more of a challenge. I not only had my high expectations of perfect grades but I had to learn to have appropriate social interactions with other people since throughout elementary my friends and all my teachers had been so understanding and given me grace for all my faults. Though now I wasn’t going to have those friends or those teachers, the expectation for proper behavior was higher. So step one to surviving middle school is to find friends which sure enough was someone who found me instead. Her name is Ameerah and she already suspected of my quirky traits and knew being direct and clear was the best way to communicate to me so she literally asked “do you want to be friends” and I said yes. So happy ever after right? Well I found a great person that would stick with me through the ages but I just needed to avoid all of the other people that might bring some trouble. Kids this age often used lots of sarcasm and made lots of inappropriate references that I simply never understood because my brain didn’t work that way. So I was quite the target for other kids and in defense to kids that wanted to bully me I literally bit them. Which might be seen as anger or behavior issues but I saw it as self defense. The whole not recognizing facial expressions and understanding social cues was already causing conflict between me and other kids my age and now I had to face adult teachers who demanded a certain level of respect. Though of course there were some expectations of phenomenal teachers who did give that extra level of grace and help to a student who secretly is autistic. So as a curious learner I often asked a lot of questions which most of the time could be unnecessary but I had such a desire to learn. Although since I was such a learner I tipped easily into becoming a smart aleck and often corrected others when they were wrong. Which I did because I honestly thought I was helping them but many teachers found this very disrespectful and to add on top my pride would not be settled until I proved my point as well. Then as a result I ended up in the principal’s office often. Those three years of middle school were an overbearing amount of stress of trying to fit in while getting good grades, and avoiding conflict with kids and teachers. I was drowning in anxiety, depression and an overall state of confusion of why life is so hard for me and sadly I didn’t ask anyone for help because I had to keep it all together or perhaps I didn’t want anyone to think less of me. Though this lifestyle and lying to myself that “I am normal” wasn’t going to be sustainable any longer and in high school things had to change.